Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ad's Advice for Writers ...

Whatever you do, DO NOT write every day. If anything, only write once every six months or so, and only for three minutes at a time. To keep from writing, enjoy a cocktail, a nice long talk with your son or daughter, maybe a walk with the dog. But STAY AWAY FROM THAT COMPUTER! I mean it! And put down that pencil!

Number two: As you write a first draft, edit so thoroughly and anally that you inadvertently shut down the creative process entirely because it's grown tired of being squashed.

3: Do NOT join a critique group. Such groups inevitably melt down into whining sessions where we all complain about a WORLDWIDE ORGANIZED EFFORT to keep us all from being published and famous.

4: Waste an inordinate amount of time on facebook. Waste all your wonderful witticisms and metaphors and thoughts on your status reports so you have NOTHING LEFT FOR YOUR BOOK.

5: Save and re-read energizing emails you get from readers, like this gem I got yesterday: "FYI a man who had an amputation could possibly have a prosthetic leg and not need an electric scooter but this fat grandmother has COPD and does need one in the supertmarket. You certainly are judgemental. Your obnoxious ,whiney character Linc whines about how he did all the caregiving for 14 years. Boo Hoo! We women have been doing that for eons. This fat grandmother did that and went to college as a single mother,graduated cum laude while providing my children with home cooked meals etc. Then this fat grandmother worked @ night when they were teenagers so I could be with them in the evening. I raised 2 great kids and I don't have to whine about it. Your character is obnoxious ,judgemental and self-centered. Perhaps if he actually volunteered to say lead a Girl Scout troop or collect for charity or volunteer in a hospital he might be less whiney.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T"

Is that motivating, or what? Whoa … MAN! it just makes me wanna get out there and create a character!! … know what I mean?

Rent an entire season of a TV show you missed, and spend all day – oh, hell, all WEEK – watching it.

Obsess for hours, days, over something you cannot control, such as the weather or the neighbor's barking dog or your receding gums.

Follow this advice, and you'll be as productive as I've been these past several months. Oh, and if you get bored, just give me a call and we'll chat up a storm. I've got plenty of time.

Sincerely yours,

Ad Hudler

(Be sure to visit me at the Decatur Reading Festival in Atlanta during Labor Day weekend. Also: check out my blog at AdHudler.com. Recent posts include my visit to Amarillo, Texas, where I toured the American Quarterhorse Hall of Fame; bought a cowboy hat; and then posed as a real "cowboy" for picture-taking Canadians in front of a line of old Cadillacs buried in the pasture.)


Kerry Madden said...

This tickled me. Thank you, Ad. Hilarious. I needed the laugh.

Elaina M. Avalos said...

I resemble this post. I write a tiny fraction of the time. The rest? Spent doing things that distract or sap my creative energy.

Great post! But I probably shouldn't be reading blog posts so I can write. :)

Anonymous said...

Too funny! Love the "fan" letter.

Lori Buck said...

You forgot to mention reading blogs instead of writing your own or commenting on blogs instead of writing some fiction. Or, there's always this: have three young children scream for your attention while you plug your ears with your fingers, compose in your head, and then type like mad before putting your fingers back in your ears while saying, "Please for the love of Pete leave mommy alone for five minutes so she can write!" I find I get a lot accomplished this way.

Ad Hudler said...

Glad y'all got a chuckle...Lori, you are too funny!

Lori Buck said...

Why thank you, Ad. I also waste all my good metaphors and whiticisms (sp?) on Facebook and commenting on other people's blogs. But at least I can say I have something in common with a "real" author. I will have to check out your writing and then talk about you on FB like we are BFFs.

Joan Ellen Gage said...

Oh, this is sooo true! I thought I was the most distracted person in the universe! But, I have cut back on Facebook. Where do these people find the time to take these tests and garden on line????