By Ad Hudler
After writing four humorous novels I'm tackling a memoir right now. On good days, I want to cut my head off. I'm really struggling with writing solely in my voice, not hiding behind a character. 'Feeling pretty naked and raw these days, drudging up and scrutinizing unsettling things from my past.
So, as I engage in this masochism, I've been thinking lots about this month's blog topic: what jobs, other than writing, do we covet? Lordy, Lord, where do I begin? Anything looks good right now.
1. Landscaper for the stars of Hollywood: There's a good reason the protagonist of my novel Househusband had this job: I want it. I'm great with plants and have designed and landscaped many a friend's yard. I'd honestly start my own company, but I'm in my forties now and my lower-back says NO!
2. Owner of a Hooters franchise: For those of you who haven't been inside one of these restaurants, let me assure you that they are not porn palaces. The girls are waitresses, not strippers. The wings are among the best made anywhere. There's always a game on the TV, and everyone there is happy. (For the record, my CEO wife likes Hooters, too) .
3. Parenting czar. You know, like the drug czar in the Bush administration. I feel there's an epidemic of bad parenting in our culture these days … parents trying too hard to be their children's friend instead of authority figure. I would host a nightly TV show called "Ad-vice", mandatory for all parents of children under the age of 18, and I'd give sage wisdom on how to do things right. There would be exams every Christmas Eve. Highest scorers would earn trips to the Caribbean with free babysitters for their kids at home.
4. Fireman. They get paid to work out (I'm a gym rat) and earn their graduate degrees and read a lot … and when they do get called to action, they are heroes. Tall ladders. Breaking the speed limit. Spraying with hoses. Busting down doors with axes. Pure bliss.
5. Middle-school English teacher. Yeah, I know, another masochistic choice. But since I love Pee-Wee Herman and bathroom humor I fit right in with this age group. I do a lot of volunteer teaching and speaking in English classes, and I always come away feeling uplifted.
6. Chief of marketing for Ford trucks.
7. Documentarian: I want a big grant that would allow me to travel the world, interviewing old people, culling their opinions on faith and spirituality. I love old people. I hope to be one myself someday.
Merry Christmas, every one, and Happy New Year. Until I finish this bear of a memoir, you can follow me on my blog at adhudler.com or on twitter or facebook. I give great status.
Ho, ho, ho!