One Star?! Say It Ain't So! by Kristy Kiernan

I've spent way too much time online this week, what with all the hilarity over Amazon One-Star Reviews. I was first alerted to this by the fabulous J.D. Rhoades (Dusty to his friends, but I'm pretty sure nobody who's ever met Dusty wasn't able to call him friend in about 1.2 seconds [which also happens to be the time it takes to open a beer; total coincidence, I'm sure]) in his post titled My God! It's Full of Suck! 

Now, a lot has been written about the whole Debra McGillivray thing, and if you want to take days out of your life that you will never get back, well, go ahead and follow all those links in his post. But what the fine John Scalzi finally reduces it all down to is a challenge to acknowledge your one-star Amazon reviews, and then get past them.

So. I've received two one-star reviews for Catching Genius. I know! Crazy right? I mean, I was pretty sure that Catching Genius was going to save contemporary American fiction, and the fact that these readers were unable to see my brilliance was devastating. The first:

4 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

 Weak Main Character/Unrealistic, July 24, 2007

By #GIJANE "Loves Labs & cooking." (Nottingham, PA) - See all my reviews

I don't understand how any woman could enjoy this book. The main character allows her husband to repeatedly cheat on her and she does nothing until he basically flaunts it! I also find it hard to believe that a few weeks of vacation would change a lifetime of problems and resentments among family members.

  

OUCH! Really? Not ANY woman? Wow, I mean, that's bad. That is really, really bad! GIJANE really hates me! She loves labs and cooking, but clearly hates me. Or, my book anyway, which really IS me, right? Maybe not. Anyway, one of the big things that McGillivray was lambasted for was for supposedly tracking down the reviewer who slammed her, noting that she knew her name, her kid's names, her granny's name, and so forth.

So, uh, full disclosure. I've always felt that if I could just understand my detractors then I could live with their dislike of me/my book. And so, in the spirit of trying to understand who GIJANE is, I do admit that I checked out her Wishlist. I didn't look at the Wishlist in order to harass her, or to try to get my friends to harass her, or to publicly threaten (no matter how thinly) her, her kids, or her granny. I didn't even vote her review unhelpful.

I just had to know a little more about this person who hated my book so much that she couldn't understand how ANY woman could enjoy it. And, frankly, what I learned made me feel much, much better. I learned that she gave The Departed a two-star review. Had I rated that movie I'd have given it a twenty-two star review. She also wishes she had a metal detector, and Timecop, and she likes Shania Twain and thrillers, but doesn't like anything sad (though she gave that classic of uplifting stories, The Lovely Bones, FIVE stars!). 

Anyone who actually knows me is cracking up right now. GIJANE and I are not soul mates. My God, of course she doesn't like my book! We couldn't possibly be less alike! Hey, I'm good with ole GIJANE, though I admit I still take exception to her assertion that things got all worked out in a few weeks. And those few weeks weren't no vacation, but I digress…I'm not mad, I don't hate her, don't even dislike her, and I have, mostly, forgotten about that review.  I'm not sending the flying monkeys, we just have very, very different tastes.

One-Star Review, Take Two:

0 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

 drawn out and tiresome, January 14, 2008

By #J. Mogol - See all my reviews

I couldn't wait for this book to end. It was too long and had too many plots. It was too loosely woven for me to enjoy. I was surprised to see so many positive reports, but I didn't have too much positive to say.

Oh, J.Mogol, it hurts, it hurts. Couldn't WAIT for it to end? Yowza! Why didn't you stop reading? I'd have been okay with that! Honestly, in a totally non-snarky, no hard feelings way. Too long, too many plots, hmmm, again, I'd kind of like to disagree with those. I was pretty sure it was ONE plot, but okay, let's see where J. is coming from. 

Wishlist!

Aha! She wishes she could own CDs by Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken, as well as the DVD Aladdin (Disney Special Platinum Edition). See? Now I don't feel so bad! We're simply not compatible in any way, shape, or form.

I'd be willing to bet that GIJANE and J.Mogul are lovely people. I bet they love their families (and/or labs) and are loved in return. Do I wish they'd liked my book? Of course I do. Do I wish they'd been slightly more kind in their comments? Of course I do. 

But I got into this knowing full well that not everyone was going to like what I do. I hope more do than don't. Writers I revere have one-star reviews. Writers I can't stand have five-star reviews. We all have different tastes, and thank goodness. What a boring world it would be if we all liked the same thing.

I'm over it. After all, Matters of Faith will be out in August, and I have new things to obsess over, new one-star reviews to dread, and hopefully a lot of five-star reviews to make me feel better about it.

Up for the challenge? Blog about your One-Star Reviews and then leave the link in the comments. Or don't. Because I completely respect  your right to do, and like, you know, whatever you want. But if you leave mean comments, well, just hope I don't find YOUR Wishlist!

Kristy Kiernan writes from south Florida. She also can't get the image uploader to work correctly, so the cool One-Star Review image isn't here. Neither is her picture, nor either of her book covers. But I assure you, she does exist, as do her books. After all, they're ON AMAZON!

The Storyteller is dead, long live the Story by Kristy Kiernan

Over the past year or so, many fine storytellers have passed away, including, but obviously not limited to: Janet Kagan, Julian Rathbone, Stephen Marlowe, Robin Moore, Edward D. Hoch, Norman Mailer, Carol Bly, Dan Fogelberg, Kurt Vonnegut, Sidney Sheldon, Dawn Thompson, Phyllis Whitney, Bob Smith.

You might not have heard of that last one.

Bob Smith.

Robert E. Smith, Jr. (He didn't like that Jr. part.)

Son of Robert, who traveled small towns in the South to decorate their Main Streets for holiday parades and events. Marine who fought on Guadalcanal during WWII. Husband to Betty, then husband to Ruth. Father of two. Grandfather of two, plus two. Thirty year dedicated employee. Friend to many, frustration to some.

To me, he was Granddaddy. My first storyteller, my second father. At times the great love of my life, at others a burden felt deeply, guiltily. My conscience. My supporter. My critic.

Always, my storyteller.

He walked in a room and people turned, beckoning fingers in the air: "Bob, hey Bob, tell the one about the fish/ Mexico/ that girl in the truck/ Nashville!" And he always did. And I watched, and listened, and learned.

My storyteller taught me about pacing, and tone, and humor, and conflict, and about the power of insult and love at the same time. He laughed readily and well, at a confusing wealth of things; wit demanded from family, but Benny Hill tuned into on TV.

Some stories came more easily than others with age, but the skill remained. The memory faltered, but the voice kept cadence.

He lied to me frequently: his middle name was Elijah, the sky wasn't blue but clear and I was seeing it through my blue eyes, the scar on his forehead was from a Japanese bayonet.

The lies were pretty, valuable as currency in my developing writer world, he the wealthiest inhabitant.

The stories, the lies and the truths, fell away in his final weeks, the voice lost in his final days. In his last 24 hours he reached out and spoke to Ruth, his wife, dead three years now. His final story to me? Lie? Truth? Does it matter? Did any of them?

March 5, 2008, my storyteller left me. I am numb. I am lost. I say that I am okay. It was his time, I knew that, I am comfortable with that. 87 is a long time to live. I lie and lie and lie.

My new book waits for me to write it. How is that possible? Does my story still exist? Does he? Is one possible without the other?

I wish you peace, Robert E. Smith, Bob, Smitty, Major, Daddy, Granddaddy, all the pretty lies, all the truths, all my gratitude, all my grief.

A story waits. I'll be here when it comes, I'll be here when you bring it.

The Storyteller, 12/13/1925 – 03/05/2008.

Begin With The End? by Kristy Kiernan

Endings have been on my mind a lot lately. We're approaching the end of the year, December 29th will mark the end of my regular Saturday blogging with The Debutante Ball, I've reached the end of my patience with this year's seemingly never-ending travel, and the end of No Country For Old Men completely unsettled me and got me to thinking about my own endings…fiction-wise that is.

I've received mixed reactions about the ending of Catching Genius. Some people thought it was just right, happy without being sappy, some people thought it was wrapped up too neatly, too quickly, too something or other. The thing is, I never considered what a reader might think of the ending. I wrote what was, to me, the inevitable ending. It simply WAS the way it ended.

With Matters of Faith (August 5, 2008), I again did not consider what a reader might think of the ending. I wrote it the way it happened, the only way I saw the characters reacting. I've yet to hear from a reader about it since it's not out yet, but I know I will. And I know I won't make everyone happy.

So when I saw No Country For Old Men, and was perplexed and slightly put off by the ending, I had to consider the writer's intent. The book was written by Cormac McCarthy and the screenplay by Joel and Ethan Coen. I've not read the book, though after I complete my little deep thought processing of the movie I plan to. So I only have the Coen brothers' screenplay to consider.

And I have to wonder, was this the only way they saw it ending? Was it inevitable, the way I think my endings are inevitable? Or did they shoot multiple endings, the way I've heard other movies have been shot? And what's more important? The reader/watcher reaction to the ending, or the writer's vision?

And considering how wide a reaction I got for the Catching Genius ending, is it something I should even worry about? Do I change my own writing process to fit the majority opinion? Would it make my books sell better? I do want to sell more books. I want to be successful in this business, I want to have a long run, I want to please my readers.

Did the ending of No Country For Old Men ruin the movie for me? Absolutely not. In fact, I walked out of the theater believing that the writers must have had a good reason for ending it the way they did. And that if I considered it long enough I would figure it out, and though I might not agree with it, I had to trust them. It won't make me stop going to see a Coen brothers film, in fact, it intrigued me. Now I'm looking around at other Coen brothers' movies to see if these sort of ambiguous endings are a trademark.

And now I'm writing a new book. And I'm thinking about the end before I've worked out the beginning. Is that a good thing? I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, what were some of the best endings you've ever read or watched and why? And what were the worst?

In other news, I got the cover for Matters Of Faith this week! What do you think? I LOVE it, absolutely love it.

Kristy Kiernan writes from southwest Florida, where she often gazes soulfully out at the water, clearly deep in thought about important things, like endings, and worrying about whether she's spending more time watching movies than reading books. Visit her online at www.kristykiernan.com Or don't. Because Kristy's not pushy. Unless there's a cliff nearby.