by Zachary Steele

Good day, and happy post-April Fools day to you all. I hope you survived the day, and that you are not scrambling about trying to figure out how to stop Johnny and Jane from taking that job offer they suddenly got yesterday that would require them to move to Canada and become fruitcakes. Aside from Facebook deciding that I, along with most of the world, was a distant cousin of Barack Obama, I managed to survive the day unscathed and without any unpleasant and unecessary attempts to "fool" me. Not that I am opposed to a good prank, mind you, or even a well-crafted tall tale. I love them. I just feel like I've walked into a cheap, $2 wine in a paper cup kind of comedy club when the whole word suddenly feels they have a joke to tell, or a prank to pull, simply because it's April 1st.

Hm. I think I just aged to, like, 74 or something there. I'm going to start shaking my fist before long. Tell you to get off my yard...or blog, or whatever. Bleh.

Anyway, for those who do not know me, I am Zachary Steele, author of Anointed: The Passion of Timmy Christ, CEO, which debuted in March, and has thus far gotten some traction, as well as a nice review in Publishers Weekly. The Tacoma Public Library system has me categorized under, "devil fiction". That. Is. Awesome. I have a blog, should you find the need for a good dose of humor, and I'm slowly getting addicted to Twitter, and have an account for one of my characters, as well as myself. Thanks to Russ Marshalek and his emo-maniacal obsession with all things interwebbie, I've become hopelessly enamored with social media. It takes the days of sitting around waiting for a book to sell and slams it over the head with a Kindle. And it offers the reader far more outlets to hear your voice, and at no cost! Sweet!


It's an amazing time, actually. There are now more outlets to reach the public than ever before, with more materializing by the moment. Even Second Life has turned role-playing games into a source of income, much though it may also sap your "real life" away in exchange. Despite the fact that many people have come to use this resource as an alternate means to a rather dreary day (read in: socially awkward man/woman seeks socially awkward woman/man with which to chat, in a dark room, separated by a thousand miles or more, about nonsensical things that we can pretend to be excited about because, hey, life sucks right?), I do know of a few musicians and creative minds who have made a few bucks off it. And, dude, you can totally fly! Can you do that in real life? No. But I can talk to women.

Stephanie Meyer does not have an avatar in Second Life. Instead, she has a so-so, mostly poorly written young adult series about vampires, and werewolves, and teen angst. And she has a few millions more dollars than I. I'm not a fan of the series, simply because it's a bit too Gossip Girl for my taste, but I was just itching for March 21st to roll around, when the DVD would be released, and sentient beings like myself could run to the video store to rent this horrific piece of cinematic trash, so that it could be viewed in the sanctity and solitude of home, and with a considerable amount of alcohol to numb the senses. My wife, Alice, and I tried to concoct a drinking game, but it just seemed unlikely that we could manage to not be drunk 20 minutes into the movie. This thing is 2 hours long. 2 hours! So as not to pass out before the first hour was, Eclipsed (ooh, bad you!), we just downed some Kahlua and started the movie. I would like to summarize for you.

(ahem)

And I was, like, "yeah", and he was all, "Whoa", and I was, like, "I know", and he was, "You're not afraid?", and I was, like, "You're a vampire. I love you." The End.

2 hours?

It was worth it though. I highly recommend it, if you're in need of horrible acting, terrible dialogue, poor direction, and a hokey Stephanie Meyer cameo. Just know that it's a commitment. Like baking bread. You made the dough, so you gotta let it rise, right? And you can't very well go through all that trouble and not bake it, can you? And, holy cow, it's all warm and chewy, and it's just calling for butter, so you gotta eat a piece or 6, don't you? True, you're fat now, and there's some guilt, but Oh. My God. You feel so much better for it, and you can't wait to do it again. Yeah, that's Twilight for you.

For the record, we watched it twice. I'm counting down the days until New Moon is out on DVD.